Years ago when I was attending seminary in Texas, I worked at a crisis hotline mainly for teenagers. Anyone from 11 to 21 years old could call the hotline and talk to an adult about their problems and get some resources and prayer. 

Just before we got on the hotline, my supervisor always had a meeting with those of us who worked there. At the end of the meeting, he always made the following statement and then prayed with us:

"When people call in, always listen. And if you don't know what to say, don't say!"

I did a lot of listening, asking questions, and praying for people on the hotline. Of course eventually, I would need words of comfort, encouragement, and wisdom to give them as well. 

What do you say when someone has been crying and sharing their deepest hurts or struggles with you? And what do you say when they just need to know that someone cares?

I recently found myself "in on" a conversation between two adults. One of them was saying how overwhelmed she was because one thing after another was going wrong in her life. Immediately, the other lady said, "Well, God won't give you more than you can handle." 

Honestly, at the sound of it, I winced for the lady who was being told this. It had the makings of something spiritual, but the look of pain on her face told me that this probably didn't help her very much. This is probably because I've also been told a version of this in the past: "The Bible says that God won't give you more than you can handle." 

But is this really what the Bible says?

If I had believed this statement was true, I may have either beat myself up for not trusting God enough, or have become resentful toward God for "doing this to me" because I am supposedly strong enough to take it. 

But that statement is not actually in the Bible. It was derived from 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says: 

No temptation has come upon you except what is common to humanity. But God is faithful; he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to bear it.

The topic of this verse is not about just any and every kind of difficulty that we face. It is specifically talking about temptation; the temptation to sin. 

These days it has become common for someone to tell you how overwhelmed, discouraged, or fearful they are due to a long list of difficulties that they are facing, since many of us are. So it's important to listen, pray, and respond with words that are truly comforting to someone who is hurting and struggling. 

Here are some things I have found helpful to say:

1. "I'm so sorry."

• When you say this with a loving tone, you express that you care while providing what is called the ministry of presence. You are letting the person know that they are not alone. Their deepest need may be to feel like they're not alone in their troubles. 
• Other ways of saying this are: "I'm so sorry that you are going through this" or "I'm sorry you had to go through that." 

2. "I'm proud of you"

• If they mention things they have done that are good and healthy ways of coping or dealing with their problems, tell them that you are proud of them for doing these things in the midst of such a difficult time. You are reinforcing this kind of behavior, in contrast to the destructive patterns that people often slip into when they're discouraged. 

3. "I can't imagine how you feel."

• Acknowledging the uniqueness of the situation that they are in and their personal feelings lets them know that you sense the enormity of what they are going through, even though you are not experiencing their specific set of circumstances.

4. "What is the best way that I can support you right now?"

• Let them tell you what they need. This not only provides them with help but it also makes them feel a little more in control at a time when everything else seems out of control. 
• They may need you to do something for them like taking care of their children for a few hours or to bring them a meal so they don't have to worry about cooking one evening. These are things that you can suggest.
• Don't say, "Let me know if I can do something for you" because they are not likely to do that on their own. They may also perceive this statement as your way of getting out of the conversation. 

5. "I will be glad to pray for you." If appropriate, you can also ask, "Would you like for me to pray with you right now?" 

• Pray with them out loud in a discreet location so that they can hear your prayer for them and be encouraged by it. Don't expect them to pray out loud unless they choose to. 
• If they don't want you to pray with them right now, tell them that you will be glad to pray for them on your own. Either way, they will be encouraged that you are committed to pray for them. 

6. If you are talking to a friend who has helped you in the past when you were going through a similar situation, you may want to remind them of what they did and how much it helped you. Being reminded of what they have done for you in the past is likely to encourage them and make them feel good about helping you. 

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What are some things to AVOID saying?

A. "I understand what you are going through" or "I understand just how you feel". Even if you have been through what seems like the same scenario, you don't actually know what the person is feeling or experiencing. You each have different personalities and will respond to similar things in different ways. 

B. "Everything happens for a reason." This leads them to search for the reasons why bad things are happening to them and can cause someone to become angry or resentful toward God.

C. Talking about yourself or launching into a story about something that happened in the past. The pain of the person who is in front of you is fresh, making it very difficult for them to listen to a long story or lecture.

D. "At least it's not ______ (mentioning another situation that is worse)." This makes a person's problems seem trivial or unimportant.

E. "Well, it is what it is." Whether it is your intention or not, this statement tends to communicate that you are unwilling to listen or don't care. 

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After your conversation is over, you may want to send the person a meme or cartoon that's appropriate to their situation, encouraging them to keep going and to trust in God.

Everyone needs someone to reach into their world with encouragement and understanding, especially when they are going through something difficult!

Striving to comfort the hurting,
- Lori Lyn